Long deployments have always resulted in a certain number of military marriages failing. This is particularly true for young marriages that have not had to endure long separations. But the amount of military divorces that we are seeing now is far greater than ever before. I am now hearing military wives referring to this incredible rise in broken marriages as “the Plague.”
Certainly, repeated combat deployments do not help this situation. The added stress and anxiety created by being stationed in combat zones affects every member of a military family. — Mostly, we all just count the days and wait until it is over. And we imagine and hold on to the thought of a happy and relieved reunion. Yet too often, the tension that has twisted itself within us gets released like a whip and we destroy the happiness we craved with horrible fights and continual arguments. Everyone ends up suffering: Our marriages, our kids, our in-laws, our friends, our work. And then the family breaks up, which only causes more pain and suffering for all.
We’ve heard the saying: “If the Military wanted you to have a wife and family, they would have issued one.” Many times this seems to be all too true. In fact, most US bases have marriage and family programs, as well; most base Chaplains also have resources available too. Also, military charities like PatrioticHearts.org offer free weekend marriage retreats. And churches and synagogues in communities near US bases often are eager to help military marriages. Too, the V.A. has many centers to assist veterans with anger management and relationship issues.
Snap! Just as quickly as a twig breaks under our feet, small things can sometimes flare into horrendous arguments. — And all too often, the arguments we have are not even about what is really the issue. –Here is where another wise saying that comes into play: “We cannot see the forest because of the trees.” — Talking things out by ourselves sounds like a good idea; but, we are often too close to the pain to see clearly. We need trained, objective, calm counselors.
Military Marriage Stress
Too many good marriages fall apart. It is true; some relationships are so toxic, destructive and dangerous that they cannot be reclaimed. But most marriages that were founded on mutual love and respect can be salvaged and made stronger than ever before. — It takes patience, endurance, faith, hope and love. — Giving up and starting all over again, usually results in the same problems resurrecting themselves again. The national statistics prove that one divorce will most often lead to two more. And the damage done to ourselves and our children and families after a string of broken marriages could have all been avoided if we had the courage and commitment to stay with whom we chose in the first place.
If only we would apply the fortitude and undeterred focus that we have learned is required for victory on the battlefield to the conflicts within our marriages. — This is the advice of an aged warrior who has been there and back many times: Protect what you’ve got. Do not quit until you have a victorious marriage. Do whatever it takes. Divorce is not an answer. It is just starting the same problems over again with someone new.
How can love survive in a military marriage? Please share your thoughts and experiences that will be helpful to our readers.
Mark and Tori Baird
Group: National Marine Corps Business Network
Discussion: Too Many Military Divorces: What’s Your Advice?
Regardless of which came first, the military or the marriage, total honesty needs to be communicated to both the spouse and the military member. The policy in our Marine Corps recruiting office for married applicants, engaged applicants, and even applicant with that oh-so-serious significant other was to sit them both doen and go over the worst case scenario in regard to deployments, duty, training, and anything else that we drew from personal experience. The phrase “might not be the best fit for you” was uttered frequently, even when meeting recruiting mission was tough.
A military member who is contemplating getting married needs to get real honest with the potential mate and have a heart to heart over expectations and priorities. Next, there needs to be mandatory premarital counseling/meetings performed by the senior enlisted. Upon requesting special liberty to go get married on the weekend, I distinctly recall my Master Gunnery Sergeant threatening to beat my head in with a hammer while my Captain in the next office was screaming, ‘Ain’t nobody getting married on my watch!!’
Bottom line, divorces happen everywhere and most of the time, they happen for the same reasons but “I had no idea it would be this tough in the military” shouldn’t be an option. When that happens, I see it as a failure of the Staff NCOs. That is all.
Posted by Darrell Baranowski
1) Continue to value your spouse and let them know. If you’ve got children even more so. The ones left behind often have it tougher than we have. Let them know that you love them and that you’re concerned for their well-being. They have stress enough to push them to the breaking point from time-to-time.
2) Keep the lines of communication open. Email, call, write letters…don’t let their imagination wonder what’s going on with you. My wife tends to assume the worst!
3) Accept your spouse’s faults and love them anyway! Remember what you married them for. Human beings are not perfect (look in the mirror)!
* Group: US Military Veterans Network
* Discussion: Too Many Military Divorces: What’s Your Advice?
I was a GI for 20 years and served in all four branches (active and reserve). The military is a hard life! The lower your rank, the harder it is because one is usually in a struggle to prove themselves professionally to superiors while trying to manage a personal life. The stress can be high because one doesn’t always measure up to the standards of superiors and there are time challenges to balancing a personal life.
I speak from experience on this one as I lost stripes moving from branch to branch. As such, I retired as an E-5 and I probably had to be the most over educated E-5 around. My wife was very understanding and supportive of my military career. This allowed me to complete 20 years of service while obtaining a college degree. Without her love and support, we would not have stayed married for 20 years.
For any successful military marriage to last, the military or civilian spouse have to make the commitment to the marriage. Nothing new here right! The challenges are long periods of time away from one another, PTSD, numerous opportunities for adulterous affairs, drug and alcohol abuse, criminal behavior, and etc. Two people have to stay focused on why they got married and realize “the fence is not always greener on the other side.” It’s a lot of work (especially if there are children involved) and requires nuturing in ways that are productive for husband and wife.
Whether someone stays 2 – 4 years or more in the military, they have to be honest and aware that the military lifestyle is hard because it is all commanding on the military spouse. Open and honest communication are vital tools to sustaining a military marriage.
Posted by John Haran
* Group: National Marine Corps Business Network
* Discussion: Too Many Military Divorces: What’s Your Advice?
The run off and get married quick still happens very often days before a deployment. I work with many parents of Marines and Corpsman- many times they have no idea their son got married.. UNTIL they deploy and learn one way or another- usually after an injury– that they are no longer written down as NOK.
Also the multiple deployments the past 8 years is very difficult even in the strongest of marriages. In the case of Marines many want to get right back in another deployment and spouses feel they are left out of their loved ones mind.
Just like adjustment back into the civilian world is difficult for so many these days- adjustment back into the marriage makes it a double whammie..
Posted by Patty Lewis
* Group: US Military Veterans Network
* Discussion: Too Many Military Divorces: What’s Your Advice?
John Haran • I was a GI for 20 years and served in all four branches (active and reserve). The military is a hard life! The lower your rank, the harder it is because one is usually in a struggle to prove themselves professionally to superiors while trying to manage a personal life. The stress can be high because one doesn’t always measure up to the standards of superiors and there are time challenges to balancing a personal life.
I speak from experience on this one as I lost stripes moving from branch to branch. As such, I retired as an E-5 and I probably had to be the most over educated E-5 around. My wife was very understanding and supportive of my military career. This allowed me to complete 20 years of service while obtaining a college degree. Without her love and support, we would not have stayed married for 20 years.
For any successful military marriage to last, the military or civilian spouse have to make the commitment to the marriage. Nothing new here right! The challenges are long periods of time away from one another, PTSD, numerous opportunities for adulterous affairs, drug and alcohol abuse, criminal behavior, and etc. Two people have to stay focused on why they got married and realize “the fence is not always greener on the other side.” It’s a lot of work (especially if there are children involved) and requires nuturing in ways that are productive for husband and wife.
Whether someone stays 2 – 4 years or more in the military, they have to be honest and aware that the military lifestyle is hard because it is all commanding on the military spouse. Open and honest communication are vital tools to sustaining a military marriage.
From the LinkedIn US Veteran Group:
Mark Dawdy • Distances and so many changes when someone deploys, the spouse behind has to take on everything with the family as well as the stress of being left behind and the unknown – will they return?. Then when the other spouse does return, there is a major change back to a family environment. Change, change, change.
Without a lot of communication and preparation these major stressors take their toll. I was in the chaplain corps and we would do workshops with the deployed troops and with the families back home to help this process, but it is still very hard. I have been through a couple of those deployments myself.
Another piece of that messy puzzle is the misunderstanding of what the troops are going thru when deployed and then the lack of unity when they get home to understand what the differences are. What was it like for the service member, what was it like for the family left behind, etc.
I think there needs to be more classes/workshops helping both the troops and the families through this major time.
* Group: U.S. Veteran
* Discussion: Too Many Military Divorces: What’s Your Advice?
I served during the late 60′s and early 70′s in the Chaplain’s Corp. Issues were much different then with the spouses. We had spousal organizations that got together to support each other. Draftee’s and their families had little time to worry about their problems. Career military personnel already decided that this is the way things were and they followed that path as best as they could. When they needed emotional support we were always they for them.
I don’t believe I have ever seen a military poster or propaganda that said “bring the family along” for this experience. The military family does the best it can and the Chaplain’s Corp was then and is now the “pressure release valve” for all to utilize as needed.
God bless them all.
Posted by Steve Polsky
* Group: U.S. Veteran
* Discussion: Too Many Military Divorces: What’s Your Advice?
Distances and so many changes when someone deploys, the spouse behind has to take on everything with the family as well as the stress of being left behind and the unknown – will they return?. Then when the other spouse does return, there is a major change back to a family environment. Change, change, change.
Without a lot of communication and preparation these major stressors take their toll. I was in the chaplain corps and we would do workshops with the deployed troops and with the families back home to help this process, but it is still very hard. I have been through a couple of those deployments myself.
Another piece of that messy puzzle is the misunderstanding of what the troops are going thru when deployed and then the lack of unity when they get home to understand what the differences are. What was it like for the service member, what was it like for the family left behind, etc.
I think there needs to be more classes/workshops helping both the troops and the families through this major time.
Posted by Mark Dawdy
From LinkedIn’s: National Marine Corps Business Network:
LtCol Dragan • Divorce happens before the marriage begins. If a couple is not TOTALLY willing to be faithful to each for life–in his or her own mind–BEFORE marriage begins, and if this is not communicated by both partners, and honesty is not a part of this communication, the marriage is already set up for failure and the fault can pinned on no one else but themselves. If somewhere in the back of either partner’s mind, they are thinking, “if all else fails, I can always leave the marriage,” you will. Because you will quickly discover the flaws of your partner, and start looking for the next “perfect” partner.
This brings up the other point, here, which is, you have to both be willing to accept the flaws of the other. Don’t think you will change them. To be sure, marriage is designed by the Almighty for the growth and sanctity of both partners. Every day, it is “mirror, mirror on the wall…” and your spouse (the mirror) is more than ready to tell you, you AREN’T. Both must be ready for self-reflection, and strive for growth and change, but neither should nag or be negatively critical, as this will also deep six the romance and love in your marriage, which will then lead to failure. But know that no one is perfect, and unless you are ready to not only tolerate, but accept, the other person’s flaws, you will keep getting into failed relationships. Be ready to forgive faults–daily, and be ready to accept being the one who is wrong–even if you aren’t. Pray for each other and with each other.
I am recently widowed with five kids in a loving Catholic household. I dealt with it all, but we went 15 years before my wife died, and we intended to go for life–from the start. This set us up for success, but the key was self-reflection, prayer as a couple, and a deep faith. Marriage is hard enough without faith. So we took every advantage to make it work. We had difficult times like all families, but we remained in love to the end–despite deployments and military hardships. If you are not willing to do everything above before the prayer part, don’t get married, because it will fail. Set yourself up for success BEFORE you are married.
* Group: US Military Veterans Network
* Discussion: Too Many Military Divorces: What’s Your Advice?
Is there a secret ingredient to having a marriage while in the military. I think so. Having been with my wife for 41 years through 23 years in the Army, the key is our faith and keeping our Eyes Wide Open. When we met and married I was a very young officer. I laid the Army life out to her and made sure she was given honest information. First, it’s not easy but then neither is life. Second, you are not a robot in the military and you can ask questions and expect answers. Third, always be strong in our commitment to each other.
My wife was a strong independent woman who had the ability to raise our sons often in my absence and still persevere. She came to embrace the Army life much like I did. We moved over 30 times in the military so she had her running shoes on at all times. The key to making each new assignment a home was to get the boxes unpacked within 48 hours and settle in. Keep the chaos to a minimum and at the end of the road it can be very rewarding.
Would I have changed anything. No. Would I recommend it to others. Yes, but with your eyes wide open and your faith in the Lord, always.
Posted by Dr. Ed S. Turner III
* Group: US Military Veterans Network
* Discussion: Too Many Military Divorces: What’s Your Advice?
Here is some data to drive thought and discussion. When I was stationed in Korea back in 97-98 I saw 30% of my male troops get divorced. (I am including those that got divorced within 1 year of returning home.) Of course the first conclusion everyone jumps to is the guys were messing around, got girlfriends, fell in lust, etc, etc. In fact the exact opposite was true. While the guys would run the bars on the weekends, they all went back to the barracks alone each night. The problem was the wives. Every single one of them was shacking up while their serviceman was gone. The length of their marriages ran from newlyweds to over a decade and the ages followed a corresponding spectrum. I have never tried to draw any conclusions from this. I have used it to bust a paradigm or three.
Posted by James McKinney
James,
I still hear that same thing from the troops I talk to today.
But a wife’s adulterous heart can be cured by reconnecting with her spouse. — We have held several 3 day marriage retreats for the combat vets. This time together has healed a lot of wounds. Only one couple in 3 years has divorced.
* Group: US Military Veterans Network
* Discussion: Too Many Military Divorces: What’s Your Advice?
I’m not sure if this has been said yet or not, but one of the major problems (along with pretty much everything Mr. Kooker has mentioned) is the marriage bonus given to married service members. I can’t recall how many military members got married to each other just because of the extra money. Some of the time they aren’t even living together. A few years down the road, they realize they don’t even know each other, more or less like each other. Next thing you know, they’re divorced and the percentage increases.
I’ve done my share of pre-marriage screenings and I’ve noticed that it’s rare when a marriage lasts.
Posted by William Turner